lost & found

 -- 12BME 2010  --

In the past few months I've begun questioning who I am and what I've done with my life.  Don't get me wrong, it's been "fair to middlin'," and not a life about which I can honestly complain, but...I dunno.  I think I've spent far too much time afraid of disappointing people, and somewhere along the way I've failed to take care of myself.  Sure, I've done things that were good for me or for short-term gratification, but have I done what I wanted to do to develop who I would become?  Will I look back and be confident in the choices I've made?  I am the one who has to live with me, but 48 years into the game, I'm just now wondering who is "me?"  Funny, I can remember comments on my report cards that seemed to stifle who I could have become; "...is a daydreamer,"  and "...often does own thing."  I think that if I had been praised rather than admonished for such characteristics, then "...is not working toward full potential" would never have been on my report cards, or perhaps less often. 

At what pivotal points in my life did I choose to sit down and be quiet rather than stand and speak out?  A couple of weeks ago, I made a conscious decision to become part of a campaign...to stand up.   I submitted paperwork requesting 2 days off from work, drove 1101 miles round trip, spent 2 nights in a Super 8, paid $8.50 to park, and $40 to pose for a portrait.  Yesterday, I became one of the faces of the NOH8 campaign,

and I couldn't feel any more confident about my decision than I do right now.  I met some amazing people, and had a blast doing something that I have never done before - actively participate in a cause.

I'm kinda liking the adult me I'm getting to know, but it saddens me when I imagine who I could have been.  While the world and I may have missed out on something extraordinary, I am who I am.  No apologies.

Advice to me from a dear friend -  "Always, always be yourself."

I'm working on that.