finding my way

--  Forgotten  2010  --

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Take the red pill, or take the blue pill

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I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence;

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - 

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The roads run parallel, it would seem

And zig-zagged for ages have I

Among the web of footpaths between.

Face-down upon each path I've been;

The way obscured in dusted eyes.

- R.F. & T.N.

[INCOMPLETE]

tick-tock

I keep telling myself I'll post more often, but the lack of anything in my life that is remotely important in the grand scheme of things or worthy of sharing is painfully obvious.  Hmmm... isn't that why we post in the first place?  The need to find just one person who finds interest in us and our stories has created an ever-expanding online library of voices wanting to be heard...disconnected in a seemingly connected world.

Recent experiences and observations:

• Cool and refreshing night air swirled through my truck, and "Linger" by The Cranberries blared as I sang along at the top of my lungs.  It felt as if everything was exactly right, and it left my senses tingling.  Those few minutes were truly a highlight.  One of my guilty pleasures is dancing with myself in the kitchen to that song.  It's not the lyrics that hooked me (I don't even know all of them,) but rather the sweeping, graceful, energetic music...the largeness of it.  

"...do you have to, do you have to let it linger..."

(Excuse me, but I have to play it now and dance for a few minutes.)

• A spontaneous talk with my students about bullying became one of healing for me.  I told of the 3 levels I had experienced - victim, bystander, and bully.  I ended up crying as I shared, and wanted to stop talking, but I knew that the raw personal glimpse of how my life had been affected would resonate with them more than a cut/dry chat ever could.  The discussion was real, with their input as well as mine.  I hope they never forget it.  I won't.

• A few days after sharing part of my soul with the class, a student gave me a sign that it had made a difference to her.  As an assignment for another class, she said she had to write about a hero, and she wrote about me.  I'm fighting tears now just thinking about it.  To the kids, I make a difference.  I want to read it...need to read it.

• At a school event, I ran into the now-retired president of the college from which I had graduated.  We chatted for a bit, and I thanked her and her staff for recognizing in me that which so few see.  They made a difference

• I spent several days eating lunch by myself...again.

• Trees were on sale, so I bought five on the way home from work Friday.  Then I had to buy dirt.  Sounds ridiculous to have to buy dirt, but I justify it by reminding myself it's healthy dirt so that the trees will thrive in this barren post-apocalyptic wasteland.  I felt empowered with the sense that I was going to do something positive, and with something alive.  I loaded them at the store and then unloaded at home, and I actually looked forward to digging and planting.  Unfortunately, the sun set, and I've slept since then.  Two days later, the trees are still in their buckets waiting for me to get off of my ass and dig the holes.  Nearby are the shrubs that have been in buckets for over a year.  

• I hate it when my Wii Fit Plus whines "Ohhh" when I step on it.  Not very encouraging.

• "Remember the Titans" happened to be on as I channel-surfed looking for something to soothe me into nap time.  I picked it up about 20 min into it, but thank heavens it was a marathon, so I was able to watch the beginning after the end.  When a movie is that good, it doesn't matter.  I skipped a nap to watch it for the umpteenth time.  There are only a few movies that get me like that, but more about that another time.

• Just turned on my heat for the first time this year.  The burnt dust smell always makes me nervous.
• I have 2 followers, one of which is me.

Pretty sad that of the last 11 days, these are the only things I can think of to write about.  The reality of it is that I'm actually writing about me...what makes me tick, or what makes me feel like I'm not ticking at all.

tribe vs individual

--  Bricks  2009--

Watching as the 33rd Chilean miner emerges from the bowels of the earth, and I cannot help but to feel hope for humanity at this moment.  The fate of 33 men created a web of hope around the globe, and caused people to come together.
As I watched the rescue's progress tonight, I bounced from blog to blog looking for someone or something for me to connect with.  Found it.  Unfortunately, most of it is in a foreign language I don't know.  The title and quote combined with the mysterious subtitle make me wish I knew the language.

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself...       - Nietzsche

As much as I want to take ownership of myself, tonight's rescue speaks volumes for the spirit of the tribe.

(quote credited to mysterious blog:  "my sanctuary - hep gitmek isteyipte gidemediğim o yere, hep olmak isteyipte olamadığım o kişiye...")

swamp people

(NOTICE:  This is just my personal observation & revelation...NOT a plug for the show.)

I decided to actually watch a little TV today, and the title Swamp People made me curious enough to tune in and watch an episode.  My first thought was, "I'm so glad I don't live like that," along with other negative thoughts (all while Dueling Banjos plinka-plinked in my head.)   Then I began paying attention to the people in the show - how they handled themselves, what they said, etc., and thought to myself, "Wow...They live a simple life, have a strong sense of community and trust, are self-sufficient with a great work ethic, and seem happy being who, what, and where they are."   Now I find myself wishing I could be so lucky.

lost & found

 -- 12BME 2010  --

In the past few months I've begun questioning who I am and what I've done with my life.  Don't get me wrong, it's been "fair to middlin'," and not a life about which I can honestly complain, but...I dunno.  I think I've spent far too much time afraid of disappointing people, and somewhere along the way I've failed to take care of myself.  Sure, I've done things that were good for me or for short-term gratification, but have I done what I wanted to do to develop who I would become?  Will I look back and be confident in the choices I've made?  I am the one who has to live with me, but 48 years into the game, I'm just now wondering who is "me?"  Funny, I can remember comments on my report cards that seemed to stifle who I could have become; "...is a daydreamer,"  and "...often does own thing."  I think that if I had been praised rather than admonished for such characteristics, then "...is not working toward full potential" would never have been on my report cards, or perhaps less often. 

At what pivotal points in my life did I choose to sit down and be quiet rather than stand and speak out?  A couple of weeks ago, I made a conscious decision to become part of a campaign...to stand up.   I submitted paperwork requesting 2 days off from work, drove 1101 miles round trip, spent 2 nights in a Super 8, paid $8.50 to park, and $40 to pose for a portrait.  Yesterday, I became one of the faces of the NOH8 campaign,

and I couldn't feel any more confident about my decision than I do right now.  I met some amazing people, and had a blast doing something that I have never done before - actively participate in a cause.

I'm kinda liking the adult me I'm getting to know, but it saddens me when I imagine who I could have been.  While the world and I may have missed out on something extraordinary, I am who I am.  No apologies.

Advice to me from a dear friend -  "Always, always be yourself."

I'm working on that.